Amnesia

My recent bus-rides home have been filled with the strange hope that I might soon wake up with no recollection of anything past my name. Of course that would be a grave inconvenience, but sometimes I wonder if I would gain more than I would lose. Every experiment has its risk after all.

What was that Invisible Monsters quote? That you are a product of every person you've ever met, every thing that you've had contact with (or something to that effect)? How much of what I'm doing is because I want to, and how much of this is the causatum of things I've told myself to want, obligations and so on. Ah, I don't know, I can't even think about it without getting confused.

Imagine finding everything you've been looking, everything you've convinced yourself isn't what you want, imagine it rushing back out of forgotten places. You'll be nothing but a person, with nothing but your thought, barring of course the influence of the first things you come into contact with. Ah, this is a pointless discussion in impossibility, why do I even?

Why is my brain so annoying? Why won't you just let me be? Why can't I just decide what I want and so it, instead of second-guessing every decision. Why can't I be 16, armed with the absolute certainty that there was nothing to fear but what had yet to come, and even undefinable big-bad would not come in the near future.
What was it like then? What was it like to be so young that each passing moment didn't feel like a minute squandered never to return. When the world stood still if I breathed slow enough?

Urgh, clearly these thoughts are residual teenaged fascinations by transgressional fiction, which to be crass an insensitive can be summarised by the following:

'If I lost everything

...

Would I gain everything?"

Time to stop asking and grow up? This finding yourself thing is getting old

Things I am oddly nostalgic for

1. School uniforms
2. Eating roti prata with my best friend
3. Receiving and making mixtapes
4. Bleeding knees
5. Feeling sick from eating too many gummy bears
6. Not having to think about school once the bell rings
7. Matching school bags
8. 8 hour phone conversations
9. Watching kitschy re-runs of Batman from the 60s just before midnight
10. Thinking I could be happy working as a waitress for the rest of my life
11. Tilly and the Wall
12. Band-pins
13. Muffin, this stray cat that I used to be friends with. I happened to look out the window one evening and saw him crossing the road beyond where he normally goes. I've never seen him since.
14. Eating an unhealthy amount of poptarts
15. Genuinely enjoying Chuck Palahniuk

11 year old me would say whuts^

So, I'm trying this new thing where I finish my readings, eat healthy and do more than put on a clean shirt when I go to school. Predictably enough, I'm failing at items one and two quite terribly. I can't even claim full credit for no longer looking like an extra on the set of a low-budget film, about over-nourished hillbillies, because as happenstance would have it, my flip flops broke and I have been forced to retire them. (Naturally all flip-flop suitable attire followed)

I wish there were some easy way to get around problems one and two, like if I won the lottery and bought myself a fully-fitted farm and a fresh clone of my body to insert my soul into. (Mira, if by chance you're reading this, you obviously can come live with me since you're into the self-sustenance=no school deal). No wait, I went off on a tangent, I meant to say that today is the day I start acting like a responsible human being without a penchant for self-sabotage.

Haha, this line of thought comes across a little ironic if you factor in the knowledge that I'm wearing a tiara as a substitute for bobby pins/hairbands, all of which have mysteriously vanished. (I think my mother throws them whenever she finds one on the floor, boo)
I'm not even joking about the tiara at this point. Look.

Oh look, more weird pics of myself on the internet my friends can send me during class as a joke.
xx

New Years

I feel like 2011 hasn't finished beating me half-dead with a giant stick before 2012 dragged me the hell out of there. It was a rough year for me emotionally and I don't know if I have enough feeling left in me to trudge through the bullshit that might be 2012. I know I have a lot of unfinished business and 24 hours doesn't change anything, but to say it simply, I'm just tired.

There are quite a number of people I have to resolve things with, but I just don't want to anymore. I can't bring myself to do it because I don't know what crazy issues you're going to sling me with this time. I've never been a confrontational person and I hate that I've had to do so much of it last year. So the lesson I'm choosing to take away from all this is that sometimes you just have to stop and let go. There are people I will miss but I can't keep doing this if I want to keep my sanity.

Are you in a better place than you were when 2011 first began?

Objectively I have to point out that when 2011 first started out, I was a giant wreck. I was going through some pretty rubbish feelings and carrying strange baggage (which was what prompted me to put my old blogger in the freeze and start clean). I only remember bits of what it was that was bothering me so much, especially since the clash of standard time-keeping and the academic calendar confuses my memories so much, but its safe to say that I am in a healthier place with regard to how I see myself.

What did you achieve in 2011?

In a sense, 2011 has been a waste of a year. Every other year that I have lived, I have done something I can be proud of, or looked back fondly on, but this year, nada. It wouldn't make a giant difference if 2011 hadn't happened and sometimes I wish it hadn't. There is no kind way to put it, but I have effectively wasted one entire year of my existence. To be fair, I think this is just guilt over my gpa talking, because on second thought, I have done some pretty interesting things this year, but at this point, it's just a a stretch of self-hatred over the near future regarding this.

Well I guess I can write down 'talking to strangers on the phone' on that list, considering how the thought used to make me nauseous with anxiety, but I got over that during my attachment. Sometime during that was also the first time I've ever felt like I've wanted to be a lawyer. That's something right?

What surprised you in 2011?

Nice people. For every asshole out there, there are 2 strangers willing to hold your hair back while you puke in drain. There were a lot of lovely people out there in the world last year, and I look forward to meeting more.

What are your new year resolutions?

Eat better, pull up my GPA, read more, treasure the right people.

Happy New Year!

sos

The rewind button on my trip is stuck and and a roll of film I was greatly enticipating is trapped in there. Sour end to my perfect Christmas weekend. Can I have a belated Christmas miracle to save my previous trip? ):

Was my favourite song when I used to scuff my shoes on purpose and had too many band pins stuck on my bags. Shit, being a teenager was fun.