These clouds we're seeing; they're explosions in the sky

11 year old me would say whuts^

2012-01-27T23:43:00.004+08:00

So, I'm trying this new thing where I finish my readings, eat healthy and do more than put on a clean shirt when I go to school. Predictably enough, I'm failing at items one and two quite terribly. I can't even claim full credit for no longer looking like an extra on the set of a low-budget film, about over-nourished hillbillies, because as happenstance would have it, my flip flops broke and I have been forced to retire them. (Naturally all flip-flop suitable attire followed)

I wish there were some easy way to get around problems one and two, like if I won the lottery and bought myself a fully-fitted farm and a fresh clone of my body to insert my soul into. (Mira, if by chance you're reading this, you obviously can come live with me since you're into the self-sustenance=no school deal). No wait, I went off on a tangent, I meant to say that today is the day I start acting like a responsible human being without a penchant for self-sabotage.

Haha, this line of thought comes across a little ironic if you factor in the knowledge that I'm wearing a tiara as a substitute for bobby pins/hairbands, all of which have mysteriously vanished. (I think my mother throws them whenever she finds one on the floor, boo)
I'm not even joking about the tiara at this point. Look.

Oh look, more weird pics of myself on the internet my friends can send me during class as a joke.
xx

2012-01-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

New Years

2012-01-01T21:00:00.002+08:00

I feel like 2011 hasn't finished beating me half-dead with a giant stick before 2012 dragged me the hell out of there. It was a rough year for me emotionally and I don't know if I have enough feeling left in me to trudge through the bullshit that might be 2012. I know I have a lot of unfinished business and 24 hours doesn't change anything, but to say it simply, I'm just tired.

There are quite a number of people I have to resolve things with, but I just don't want to anymore. I can't bring myself to do it because I don't know what crazy issues you're going to sling me with this time. I've never been a confrontational person and I hate that I've had to do so much of it last year. So the lesson I'm choosing to take away from all this is that sometimes you just have to stop and let go. There are people I will miss but I can't keep doing this if I want to keep my sanity.

Are you in a better place than you were when 2011 first began?

Objectively I have to point out that when 2011 first started out, I was a giant wreck. I was going through some pretty rubbish feelings and carrying strange baggage (which was what prompted me to put my old blogger in the freeze and start clean). I only remember bits of what it was that was bothering me so much, especially since the clash of standard time-keeping and the academic calendar confuses my memories so much, but its safe to say that I am in a healthier place with regard to how I see myself.

What did you achieve in 2011?

In a sense, 2011 has been a waste of a year. Every other year that I have lived, I have done something I can be proud of, or looked back fondly on, but this year, nada. It wouldn't make a giant difference if 2011 hadn't happened and sometimes I wish it hadn't. There is no kind way to put it, but I have effectively wasted one entire year of my existence. To be fair, I think this is just guilt over my gpa talking, because on second thought, I have done some pretty interesting things this year, but at this point, it's just a a stretch of self-hatred over the near future regarding this.

Well I guess I can write down 'talking to strangers on the phone' on that list, considering how the thought used to make me nauseous with anxiety, but I got over that during my attachment. Sometime during that was also the first time I've ever felt like I've wanted to be a lawyer. That's something right?

What surprised you in 2011?

Nice people. For every asshole out there, there are 2 strangers willing to hold your hair back while you puke in drain. There were a lot of lovely people out there in the world last year, and I look forward to meeting more.

What are your new year resolutions?

Eat better, pull up my GPA, read more, treasure the right people.

Happy New Year!

sos

2011-12-28T15:07:00.002+08:00

The rewind button on my trip is stuck and and a roll of film I was greatly enticipating is trapped in there. Sour end to my perfect Christmas weekend. Can I have a belated Christmas miracle to save my previous trip? ):

2011-12-17T23:36:00.002+08:00

Was my favourite song when I used to scuff my shoes on purpose and had too many band pins stuck on my bags. Shit, being a teenager was fun.

cute kids

2011-12-07T16:52:00.003+08:00

My favourite part of watching a DBSK concert is being so impressed by how amazing they were, AND THEN watching the commentary to see they were equally impressed with themselves.

Yunho: Ah, the coolest scene is coming! Okay, ready set...
Everyone: 5, 6, 7, 8!
Everyone: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Junsu: WE FLEEWWWWWWW!!
Jaejoong: COOOOOOOOOOOL!!!! COOOL COOL COOOL!
Changmin: We got so excited just because of a jump
Yoochun: THAT WAS GREAT"
Junsu: I really felt like a bird

Favourite things

2011-12-02T18:26:00.001+08:00

#1 People in love singing together
#2 Christmas music
#3 Sweaters

Greetings from my blanket fort!

2011-11-27T02:30:00.003+08:00

It's 2.31 of the first day of the start of my hols. It's hard to believe that the school term is already over. Hell was it a tough one. Celebrated the end of it last night and spent the whole day recovering from both it and paying back my severe sleep debt. Last night really was great, though I may have been spoilt by the velvet lounge and will never want to go back to the crowd that is zouk(with their tiny tables) ever again. Say it isn't so.

Anyways, it's great to be back in my real room again, rather than sleeping in the study as usual. Celebrated this return by building my fort and stuffing it full of things I need to live. Chocopie, my laptop, my ukulele and a bunch of books I plan to read during dec. Doubt I will be resurfacing anytime soon.

I have to admit that last sem was really the toughest I've had in school so far. The papers went terribly worse than anything I imagined and I can't even tell if was my abject knowledge of the subject or something else. If I make it through unscathed I promise not to spend 2 hours of the night before the exam playing tetris battle again. (I have an illness, make it stop!) All the same, I'm really glad it's the holidays. I plan to spend a significant amount of time trying to finish War and Peace(if you recall it was my summer read which I never got around to touching), eating pasta in my fort and finally having some semblance of a life again. I cannot believe I've spent every single day in school from morning till midnight(weekends till 9) in school. What a waste of youth ):

2011-11-17T20:34:00.001+08:00

November Playlist

2011-11-15T19:07:00.005+08:00

I'm all sorts of pathetic and panicky, wrapped up in my blanket and downing so much herbal tea that I'm surprised this virus isn't drowning yet. Good news is, I felt mopey and hopeless enough about my final papers to make you a playlist. So here's a mix to keep you warm:

Emily and the Woods – Steal his heart

Bombay Bicycle Club – Dust on the ground

Lucy Rose – Night Bus

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs

Mirah – Archipelago

Beirut – Postcards from Italy

Fleet Foxes – Blue Spotted Tail

Oh Land – White Nights

High Highs – Horses

Freelance Whales – Generator Second Floor

M Ward – Shangri La

Okkervil River – Hanging from a hit

[not uploading it here for obvious reasons, but you know where to find me]

k.m

2011-11-13T19:04:00.005+08:00

Freezing to death in the library and my tonsils are in such bad shape that eating anything feels like razors down my throat. Am I being punished for that 15 hours of sleep I had despite my papers next week? Also, because I'm a master of self-sabotage, rather than studying, I'm looking through my Kiko collection and wondering why she looks so beautiful and I just look like me.

daddy

2011-11-11T14:05:00.003+08:00

As I was brushing my teeth in a hurry(overslept for the last class of the term, joy), he walked by to tell me that he "cooked fried rice, it's not nice, but eat some okay?" And so I'm eating it now, in the school library. Maybe to put things into the perspective, you have to know that my father is the type of man that doesn't even spread his own jam, doesn't know how to work the dryer and certainly doesn't ever cook.

♥

Cleansing Cream

2011-11-05T16:04:00.001+08:00

Everything.

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T23:19:00.004+08:00

I guess it's not a real night out with my friends unless it ends in tears, some extent of violence, and someone repeating "Bad decisions make good stories" over and over again, in an attempt to justify it all. All the same, let's all sort our shit out before Zoukout or else I predict a death amongst us.

Whoever you are, I hope your week went less messed up than mine. Still, whatever the damage, time heals most wounds, and in the meantime you can listen to extremely ambivalent songs about loving and hating, and cry your little heart out, XOXOXO.

PS. Please tell me you get who I went as. The whole night I had to keep going "You know...Pulp Fiction" before I would get an excited "Oh!" from whichever stranger I happened to be chatting to. I have a theory that the ones who still didn't get it just left it at that, while the rest who did would go "UMA THURMANNN". Eh, close enough. By the way, did anyone pick up a tarnished silver ring? I was wearing it as my wedding ring before it slipped off, but then again, I was lost for half the night, so what hope is there for my ring? ):

2011-10-26T21:00:00.002+08:00

Summer in Tashkorgan

2011-10-23T00:31:00.011+08:00

Sometimes when I have trouble sleeping, I think of how it felt when I drifted in and out of sleep, with Fleet Foxes playing on my ipod. How every time I awoke, the air was colder, and we were closer the snow-capped tops of the mountains around us. Getting closer and closer to the sky.

[Photos: Been asked a few times so I thought I might put this here. All shot by me on a kodak flash disposable camera that I picked up last minute, because I didn't trust myself not to lose any other camera]

Why I hate the production of a Buffy remake[2012] with a flaming vengence - "DIE 20th CENTURY FOX AND BOTH THE KUZUIS DIE."

2011-10-21T00:37:00.005+08:00

[*REPOST because I thought of this while talking to YC at the bus-stop, got angry and needed to read this to calm myself down]

(This is me at my geekiest. Ignore unless you like hearing me rant about things no one else I know cares about or are a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I just felt bad for periodically going mental on the people on twitter ever since last year when the reboot was announced so I'm compiling my thoughts here so I can stop keyboard smashing there)

1. No Joss Whedon

If you're a massive fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, chances are you've watched both the tv series as well as the campy 1992 movie that got predictably confused reviews. The movie didn't bomb commercially(it did fairly well considering the you know, lack of quality). The TV series on the other hand was a huge success. It made 7 seasons and led to a series of novels, comics and video games. The series also received incredibly positive response from tv critics and got in practically every Greatest TV Shows of All-time list(yes even Time magazine). So what was the difference between the two? Yes sure, Joss Whedon also wrote the screenplay for the movie and that more or less sucked. The difference is that the directors of that movie basically took things out of Whedon's hands and created some campy B-grade conception of Buffy which clashed with Whedon's original vision. Many aspects of Buffy were changed despite Whedon's script and the movie ended up a B-grade joke.

Whedon was what made the show clever and enjoyable beyond the 'oooh scary vampires' level. Honestly, an entire series based on a girl who slays vampires is a sketchy concept, what made it work was Whedon's vision, writing and complete creative control.

In the words of the Sarah Michelle Gellar herself - "It was a movie. It's been made. They made it. They don't need to make another one," she said, adding, "I think it's a horrible idea. To try to do a Buffy without Joss Whedon, I mean that's, like, honestly, to be incredibly non-eloquent: that's the dumbest [thing] I've ever heard."

2. Fran Rubel Kuzui and Kaz Kuzui

“I wouldn’t want to see it, no. The Kuzuis didn’t do a great job on the movie the first time around. It was Joss’ script at the age of 19, but they changed a lot of it. They said, ‘Look, we know best and we know how to make this movie,’ and it became quite schlocky and high camp.”
-Anthony Stewart Head(Giles)

The Kuzuis have already wrestled Buffy away from Joss once and it turned out to be some kind of a trainwreck. But maybe now that they've seen what works for BtVS they might get it right? Not a chance, the movie will be moving in a new direction with none of the characters from the series. Think they had problems with the interpretation of the screenplay the first time round?

Fran Rubel Kuzui's biggest credentials for directing is the 1992 BtVS movie. That inspires less than a little confidence in the outcome.

3. Principle

This movie will be made against the wishes of it's creator and most of the original cast have already expressed their grave displeasure. There is no integrity in recycling the sweat and blood of one man to make a quick buck off the wave of popularity of vampires. Using the rights of a screenplay from a then unknown writer and then spinning it into something COMPLETELY different for money is all sorts of distasteful.

"This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths-just because they can't think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself…Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this… I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don't love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I'm also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly."
-Joss Whedon

The Kuzuis may have been responsible for getting the funding for BtVS, but they were duly credited despite a complete lack of any other involvement in the series. It doesn't change the principle behind what they are doing once again, hijacking the work of a brilliant man and playing with it however they see fit.

4. 'A new darker direction'

The movie will not involve any of the cast and characters from the series. Essentially, everything anybody ever enjoyed or loved about Buffy will be stripped away. Sure, a modern reboot worked for Batman Begins and Startrek, but the essence of BtVS is completely different.

What made BtVS popular were the ties between all the extremely lovable, quirky characters, the clever writing and Buffy exactly the way joss wrote her- chipper but kind of dark, conflicted with a big dollop of sunny disposition. This 'new, dark and sexy' Buffy sounds like the complete opposite.

This is just a cop-out of needing to have any shred of originality and trying to make a something different out of another man's creation. Just grow some brains and make your own damn original movie.

2011-10-17T17:26:00.001+08:00

want

2011-10-14T00:57:00.003+08:00

Currently VERY obsessed with the Kanken backpack. Want want and WANT. Everyone I've asked has given me varying responses of dislike, but when has that ever deterred me you say! How about we make a deal? I finish up my research paper nice and pretty, get B+ and above (PLEASE PLEASE, I PROMISE TO BE GOOD), cram enough intelligible information in my head for my 2 midterms, then I order the bag. Sounds good?

Also, Day 1 of my detox ended in shame. I had 2 lunches, a sodium-filled dinner, cake, peppero and some Japanese potato snack. How much less would you side-eye me if I said studying makes me hungry?

Wish me luck for my papers ♥

2011-10-10T23:17:00.004+08:00

I think I have to admit that I have a giant girl-crush on Nicola. I don't get how anyone could resist her. She's just so sunny in spite of how much flak she's gotten over the years for being an ugly duckling. Maybe she is strange by pop standards, but that's why she's so endearing.

2011-10-10T21:43:00.002+08:00

illusions are for the weak

2011-10-07T01:31:00.005+08:00

For the bulk of my teenaged years, I grew up under the impression that my life would end up like this. Instead, it's 1:31 am during recess week and I'm in school trying to make my research paper fall madly in love with me. There is no point in romanticizing this, there is nothing poetic about drinking more red bull than is good for you in a tiny room, that smells of everyone that has ever been in it. There is a change of clothes and a toothbrush in my bag. Earlier this evening, Cephas begged me to stop giving up on myself because he doesn't want to see me unwed with 20 cats. It almost makes me feel like this must stop. Almost.

Crap got caught not doing work, must get to it before I get punched again. Goodbye cruel world.

dream

2011-10-04T21:20:00.003+08:00

karma

2011-09-27T23:33:00.003+08:00

There was a boy a long time ago who once told me "You're cold. You wouldn't think it to look at you, but you are". I didn't apologise, of course I wouldn't, and it took me everything not to spit out an 'I told you so, I told you'.
Another time, a man in a bar told me I was scared, scared stiff but all it did was make me mad. Even with alcohol to take the edge of, I couldn't explain why I wasn't, why I was filled with the deepest surety that I was anything but scared. "I'm not. I'm really not." was the furthest I went and even then I could tell it was pathetic.

I now know that one of them was very wrong and one of them was right.

2011-09-26T00:07:00.001+08:00

goodbye

2011-09-26T00:03:00.000+08:00

I'm done being miserable.

2011-09-25T21:32:00.004+08:00

Update #1

2011-09-14T23:29:00.006+08:00

1. I progressively feel worse about everything: school, missing everything and everyone, my underwhelming ability to think

2. My hair is shit

3. I want this very badly, looking at it makes me feel like I need a hug already

4. Playing the ukulele as a substitute for my violin since I get home too late to touch it without being a terrible neighbor. It is possible to play it lying down, and the fact that I know this represents a new low ):

5. When Mira leaves for the UK and I lose the only other member of the 'Boys suck, zombies rule!' sleepover club, I'll have no one to eat the food I cook and watch multiple zombie movies. Anyone one else with a interest in zombies and eating may apply, don't mind the title, it's in jest, boys are allowed. (Also, Mira can you just not go? Think of you clingy cat with abandonment issues)

6. This is my nightly playlist. Listen to it too and we can do some spatially-transcendent moping(In which case you'd probably like to omit the AS Blue song, I doubt it will do anything for you apart from make you hate me for getting you to listen to it. I on the other hand, have grown to adore the song. It makes me inexplicably sad in a way very few things can.)

Love To A Monster - Okkervil River
16, Maybe Less - Iron & Wine
The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine
Wonder Boy - After School
About Today - The National
Do What You Gotta Do - Okkervil River

Goodnight.

Week 3

2011-09-04T21:37:00.002+08:00

I'm liking second year a lot better, probably because I no longer feel like a trespasser whenever I'm on school grounds. I've finally got that 'please let me coast along till I get married young and drop out' feeling out of my system, and it really is a lot more enjoyable when you don't count down the days till the next months of break.

Sometimes it's a little terrifying how quickly things are moving. Most of my close friends are starting work next year and bridesmaid talk is creeping way too much in conversations for me to feel at ease. I'm only 21, this pressure is killing me.(!!!) Each passing year increases my panic that I'm going to end up with a bad haircut and living alone with my cat which I'll name something tragic like Heathcliff.

I'm sorry, really wanted to say more but the urge to play that robot unicorn game on facebook has overcome me and I now must succumb because I have the attention span of a 6 year old. WHYYY

D:

2011-09-03T00:43:00.001+08:00

The next time I tell you I want to do something fun like cut bangs into my hair, please please punch me in the face.

I want to slow dance to this song in the dark on my wedding night

2011-08-09T00:43:00.001+08:00

Would you like a pretty face with that?

2011-08-09T00:11:00.005+08:00

Oh Joo, you are a vision.

words of wisdom

2011-08-07T19:55:00.005+08:00

Here Josh, never placed you for a Thumper kind of guy haha. First time with text on gifs so it's a little sketchy but there you go!

bird bird bird

2011-08-07T04:22:00.008+08:00

After making that Bambi gif it ocurred to me that I spent an awful amount of time on it and that it's an hour or so past my self-imposed bedtime. But at this point I almost feel like it's a shame to go to bed since I only have 8 more days of this lovely thing we call summer break.
There's still so much I want to do, but not enough available time for wasting.
(Which reminds me, I really want to finish my test roll on my trip but there never seems like there's enough daylight when I'm around. Better hurry before school starts and I'll be trapped there till dark every day)
It's really not been a productive summer but I enjoyed it so the other thing doesn't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. All in all I'd say that a summer that is equal parts reading greek plays all morning, walking down streets not quite sober with heels in hand and falling asleep to my favourite episodes of buffy is a fine summer indeed. Oh school, couldn't you wait another month? ):

world's cutest couple

2011-08-06T15:25:00.006+08:00

Willow: Im Joan of Arc! I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at stake and she had that close relationship with God."
Xander: And you are?

You'd think that my epic crush on Oz would have died after all those years huh. Yes, I still resent Tara for existing.

"If you walk away, I'll walk away First tell me which road you will take I don't want to risk our paths crossing some day"

2011-07-15T14:20:00.000+08:00

Funny how the same song you listened to when you were 16 can say something entirely different when you listen to it now. Not in terms of meaning, but rather which words steal the exact sentiment from your soul. You're never in the same place as you were a few years ago, and I suppose even if you aren't in a happier place, you've grown.

But that's the problem with that, isn't growing supposed to make you a better person, more human in everyway but the physical? We change with each pain, each happiness and become the sum of our experiences, but really we aren't much more than Pavlov's dogs.

We remember each sadness and shy away from whatever brings it(unless you've got a masochistic streak bigger than you'd care to admit, and you fall headfirst into whatever it is, with some strain of hope that this time it might be different). Almost everytime we grow more careful, more wary with who we trust, of things we do. So really, life is just one big fucking exercise in conditioning.

If that's the case than to what end are we living for? Seems pretty miserable to struggle to cling onto whatever temporary happiness we are lucky enough to encounter in this world. (And even then, how long could that last? I genuinely believe that the only emotion that sticks with us is regret and regret alone. Everything else is fleeting, love too will eventually fade but regret is embedded in the past beyond any change and that is what makes you feel the pang of 'what if'.)

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just remembered telling a friend after his break-up that the suffering was to teach us what happiness truly feels like when it finally arrives. I suppose that really is some kind of blind optimism I spun up at 3am, there are moments when I really believe it.

2011-07-12T01:48:00.002+08:00

I think my appreciation for Sophie started several days after Huimes showed me a Rocky and Balls video before summer. At this point in time, I'm pretty sure that if I was male(or inclined towards women) I would be in love with Sophie Madeleine.

bluebells

2011-07-12T01:40:00.000+08:00

I remember walking back home one quiet evening many years ago and thinking that life couldn't be all that bad if a song this spectacular existed. I still don't know if I'm wrong.

2011-07-06T15:05:00.003+08:00

SUDDEN SURGE OF REGRET AT NOT BIDDING WITH FRIENDS. WHY THE LONE WOLF ACT HUH GUYS.

Well, it's okay, I have Arthi at least (:

song for summer lounging

2011-06-20T01:44:00.002+08:00

rawrasaurusummer

2011-06-20T01:13:00.003+08:00

It's been a while; summer has been so peachy. The only downer is that I'm not doing anything productive in the least, but I guess this only makes me want to spend my time more wisely in future summers to come.

I think the nicest feeling in the world is falling asleep to old Romero zombie movies with a good friend while it rains. Life has been great really; lounging in the shade at Botanic Gardens with different assortments of friends and food, waking up at 2 in the afternoon and reading Greek plays till hunger lures me out of bed, different nights spent with a heady buzz with conversations I can only remember bits of. It's been really wonderful, but two more months of this seems like quite a waste don't you think? I really should be working, trying to gather up funds for next summer in South Africa or selling parts of my soul at an internship, but a little too late for regret.

Eh.

Day 0

2011-05-17T11:35:00.002+08:00

So this is going to be the last time I'm on here for awhile. My flight is tomorrow morning, and after that it's only going to be me, 19 other people and a whole bunch of goats. I don't know which will make me crack first; the lack of internet connectivity(and a phone) or the lack of any form of plumbing or a usable outhouse. Whatever the case, I'm sure it'll be worth it, can't wait to get to Tashkorgan and pet a few goats haha.

I'm waiting for Bel to text me back so I know she's awake so I can go over and pick up a few things and visit baby Lucy. It's already 11:40 and nada s: I guess I'll watch another ep of big bang theory and eat a chicken pie while I wait. Yep, got my priorities straight, BBT > Packing.

[Also does anyone have any suggestions with what I should do with my time during June/July? Remind me to decide early whether I want to intern or not because waiting till after deadlines to feel regretful is just...redundant. SOMEONE HIRE ME PLEASE.]

summer

2011-05-02T01:14:00.002+08:00

I think the best part of summer is sitting around at 1am listening to The Beatles without having to worry about finishing any work. I haven't done anything productive unless you count recovering from an on and off fever and trying to walk straight while half-sober. My throat feels like shit and I have this really strong urge to hug a cat right now. Bye

2011-05-02T00:49:00.003+08:00

cutie why are you so cute?

I'm in dddanger, Pinocchio

2011-04-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Finals

2011-04-06T11:16:00.006+08:00

Funny how drinking something hot from a Styrofoam cup never fails to make me feel like a hobo. The fact that I've had to sleep with my head on this desk while freezing to death probably adds to the authenticity of the experience.

I typed the above about a day ago after waking up from staying over in the library and then got caught up in work and forgot about completing the entry.
I fell asleep for 9 hours(sleeping through MULTIPLE ALARMS ;_; ) so I'm currently in the info-systems building in the corner that Ying Chung and the rest have monopolized. Quite depressing that my favourite seat in the library has been taken, and here I am dressed for library weather in an oversized sweater and leggings too. I've been here less than 15 minutes and YC has already scoffed at my progress, maybe this pressure will do me good! It's quite a disaster zone here, YC ARE YOU READING THIS? TIME TO GO HOME. There are mountains of plastic bags, notes everywhere and a box of dunkin donuts which are a few days old. I offered to tidy up but apparently I can't because THEY INTEND TO EAT THE DONUTS, THE HORROR. No really, this is some serious dedication, Mark has a teapot here. A TEAPOT.

So the finals have reduced my friends to squatters and I'm here waiting for them to return so I can head to the doctors. My eye seriously hurts, I hope it's not my cluster migraine back to haunt me.

Wish me luck creampuffs ♥ I'll be back in 6 days.

*Edit: Doctor says it's my migraine and I have a fever, boo ):

2011-04-04T02:19:00.000+08:00

Screw studying, I'm going to quit school and be a chef

2011-03-31T12:42:00.006+08:00

Still reeling from the success of my first attempt at spaghetti carbonara. I know this is such a pointless thing to blog about but I'm so pleased! By the way, I mean the authentic egg sauce and not the lame cream sauce. I started with just the expectations that I would only scramble the eggs slightly, eat a mouthful and dump the rest, but after I was done, it was just the right consistency and then I raced to wake my dad up to try some. I'm so happy! I normally don't move on to other dishes till I get my current one just the way I like it and I think I can safely shelve this dish and move on. Wow that sounded so douchey, SORRY HAHA. Here, I'll tell you something completely mortifying about me in return. I only started cooking awhile back because I wanted to tick something off the unofficial list of "Changmin's ideal type" and "Things to have in common with Jaejoong" . Yes, DBSK, my reason for being a better person. I think the first thing I tried really making was kimbap and I'm still haunted by the bok choy whenever I go grocery shopping because the only thing in my head is "USE TO MAKE KIMCHI JIGGAE, THEN YOU CAN ASK JAEJOONG FOR TIPS AND BE THE DAUGHTER HE'S ALWAYS WANTED"
Fml, did I just type this here? Oh god, my teacher was right, DBSK is my one significant flaw. NEED TO BE NORMAL.

Alright, I better finish up the rest of my spaghetti and then head to school because ladies and gents, only a little over a week till my first paper. Let's not have a repeat of last year's horrific instance of procrastination shall we?

being jinxed is no fun

2011-03-25T21:07:00.003+08:00

To add on to the story of my macbook crashing, the room in my light has short-circuted and can't be fixed within the next few days and my phone is getting fixed up as well. If anything else happens I think I might just completely give up, I can't take anymore of these things screwing me over so close to my deadlines and finals. Well if anything, I suppose going through shit like this really shows you how nice some people can be which is the only thing keeping me bashing my head in in the shower.

If all goes well, my macbook will be reunited with me(for the second time, they better get it right this time PLEASE) in 2 working days, my phone back with me on wednesday and my light fixed up asap so I don't have to go blind from straining my eyes under these dim lights. I can't even work anywhere apart from this room because my desktop is here. I really don't know what I did to inspire such a backlash of seriously unfortunate events but I hope the prayer paper thing Sheryl gave me works.

Going to finish up(well, start actually) my moot script and CV, go to bed early and wake up and make some fruity pebble marshmallow treats, om nom. Let's hope this weekend and week goes better than the last. Last week of lessons everyone, I don't know how to feel about this. This sem really went by to fast, I've met so many amazing people this term and it's Sheryl's last term with us ): Alright, I better not start on this, I still have nightmares about how Sheryl and I ended up crying drunkenly about her departure hahaha, I don't think i can ever live it down.

4 left to go

2011-03-22T20:08:00.004+08:00

It just occurred to me that I have yet to finish up my CV for summer internships. Why do I always forget these things? I bet all the exciting things are taken and now even tiny law firms will have had their pick of all the interns and will spit on me in disdain. Seems like at this rate, the only thing I have to look forward to during summer is building my first terrarium and it's not like anyone will find that particularly exciting or eventful apart from Mira and I. BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS, I CAN'T WAIT TO BUILD MY TERRARIUM, It's going to look so boss sitting in my room.

Eating fruity pebbles for dinner right now, I don't know whether to be pleased with myself or disgusted. Anyways, I have survived the ordeal of having to start my appellate brief from scratch 20 hours before submission and it was a completely traumatising experience. There I was, with my shoes already on and about to head to the library when my macbook just headdives and falls on to the floor. I wasn't really expecting any problems because there was absolutely no physical damage sustained but then I turned it on and I couldn't work any programs. It was just terrible. My appellate brief was on there with no backups and I cannot begin to explain how horrible it felt to know that 35% of your grade, weeks of research and sleepless night after sleepless night just vanished into absolute nothingness.

Oh well. 4 more weeks of school guys. Summer's right around the corner and I can't wait to do all the things I've missed doing. I haven't read a single book this year which is rather appalling to me considering I still managed to read at least one novel a month during my A level year. I'm going to finish War and Peace this summer, I'm going to make it this time and I look forward to having my life change as I turn that final page.
Really, I love books that do that to you and that moment, that brief moment you have at the end where you just feel so...infinite and completely inconsequential and the same time. I remember reading Salinger under the table in math class when I was 14 and I just happened to finish it and look right up and at Huimin who was sitting across from me. I must have had some kind of look on my face because she looked at what I was holding and mouthed an "I know.". Have I told this story before? I feel like I must have. By the way, if you read this Huimes, I dreamt of you last night, must be withdrawal from not skyping last night haha

When Summer is here, I'm going to have multiple sleepovers which end in falling asleep watching zombie flicks, I'm going to re-read all my classics and go for long walks, all the kids in England will be back, I'll make time to go for the Singapore Biennale like we always talk about before class. I'm going to make mixtapes and kimbap for everyone I love and also lent will be over, so you know what that means ;)

Back to work guys. Have a great week, drink more water, donate to Japan and text me sometime even if you think I won't care because honestly I miss everyone ):

2/9/2009

2011-03-19T15:56:00.005+08:00

"Don't tell anyone anything, if not you'll miss everyone."

An education is more parts than just school

2011-03-18T02:05:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing. It's funny how this is the furthest thing from what I pictured myself when I was a few years younger. Today I watched Cephas have an almost quarter-life crisis over dinner, I don't know if it was in jest but it reminded me of everything I thought of before I got here.

I remember sitting on some curb and someone said to me "Don't become boring when you get into law school." but well look like what we have here. How tragic is it that when I started I told myself that I'd settle for all B+s and it'll be fine because I wasn't intending to be a lawyer in the first place. Fast forward a term and 3/4s on and I can tell you that while I did better than all B+ grades, I was completely miserable with how it turned out. I don't even know what I was expecting since I spent week 14 procrastinating and only getting any proper studying done the day before my papers, but whatever the case it was not a good feeling.

I suppose as time goes on and no matter how many times I reassure myself that an education in law doesn't mean I have to be a lawyer, the only economically viable option that ensures that all this work I'm having to put in doesn't go to waste is just that.

I remember being 16 and asking my mom if she would be disappointed if I were to quit school and become a waitress(which I was honestly convinced I was going to do) she told me that she'd be alright with it if it made me happy. Then what am I doing, what I am doing? I really don't know how to explain myself. I am grateful for the privilege to be able to study what I am studying and it is interesting beyond words but I just can't seem to commit. Normally I'd have shaken down by now and just do what I need to do but lately all I can think of is making mixtapes and stringing bracelets out of froot loops.

Ah well, I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that during Summer break, back to my appellate brief, I pray to God that I develop enough brains to produce something adequate in the next 72 hours. Red Bull > Sleep but goodnight to the rest of you. Have a good weekend.

PS. I'm sorry for being sad so often now. I think it's just a mixture of PMS, missing my friends, DBSK(I haven't watched a DBSK video, read any articles or looked at any pictures in 2 weeks. I can't deal with what is happening to them, please don't tell me anything) being overwhelmed by work, thinking about natural disasters and something else I don't really want to go into here. I'm sorry for saying I felt unloved. Thank you for all the texts, I feel lucky to have known you all. The funniest was from Maybellina who texted me out of the blue saying "Bern...You are not an isopod You are not an isopod You are not an isopod You are not an isopod You are not an isopod You are not an isopod You are not an isopod" I didn't even know she read twitter anymore or that she remembers what Mira and I mean when we say we feel like isopods.
I'll be okay.

2011-03-03T16:59:00.008+08:00

I don't know if it can get anymore pathetic; how many hours I've spent crying over the five of you. I'm starting to believe this is going to end with me bitter and betrayed. This would be easier if I loved you less. I'm just tired. I can't believe it's already been years.

2011-03-01T23:26:00.003+08:00

Lessons

2011-02-17T22:36:00.009+08:00

On an unrelated note, I'm really grateful for the friends I have. I can't imagine being with anyone else. No drama, no bitching, no judgment. I think I've learnt a lot about friendship the past 4 years. It was the first time I had to go anywhere completely alone and start afresh and honestly, there was so much shit involved and so many wrong people I put my trust in. But in hindsight it really was worth it, no more blind faith in all the wrong people.

The first few times I heard that some people were bitching about me, or spilling secrets, I was more devastated that I expected. Maybe it's a little unbelievable since everyone thinks IJ girls are bitchy as hell, but in my 10 years in an Convent, I've never had to deal with anyone I thought was my friend treating me like that.

I'd spend the days after teary and miserable and feeling suspicious of every single person I came into contact with, and I can tell you it was an unpleasant feeling. I remember at one point crying miserably on skype(or the phone, I can't remember which) because I heard really unpleasant(well, I guess it's subjective because some people I told didn't think it was that awful a thing, but to me, it was the worst thing you could have said) and untrue about myself, and either Huimin or Dora(I was speaking to them in succession hence the confusion said "It doesn't matter what these people say because there is a reason why you aren't friends with them." and I guess it's true. At that point, it didn't do much to make me stop crying because I just wasn't used to the idea of anyone harbouring ill-will towards me or not being friends with everyone, but at this point, I understand that not everyone is going to like you and it really doesn't matter.

Of course I think there were more good parts than bad, but isn't it human nature to be so fixated on the awful parts? As much as I disliked the bitchiness, there were a lot of strangers in school that were nice to me. So thank you to the people who would give up your tables to me during the common breaks on Friday, thanks for coming to me sporadically and giving me lovely compliments even though we didn't know each other, thank you for giving me candy when I remarked to someone else that I would like some(this happened quite often surprisingly enough), thank you for overlooking that disgustingly ugly picture of me that was up for half a year on the GP board, thank you for the people who wrote nice things about me on the board outside the lift, thank you for not hating me even when I was a complete grouch to anyone PU1/PU2 student who would make a racket outside the staffroom when I was cramming for the As those last few months.

Bruised, tongue bitten, neck hurts, a little deaf but

2011-02-17T10:48:00.006+08:00

Picture credit to Mira who just got the film developed :D
Blogger doesn't like me. Click to enlarge

Life feels so perfect right now. It doesn't matter that I'm currently in the library trying to cram Tort so I don't fall flat on my face during midterms this Saturday or that I'm achy all over and look completely shit. Last night I got to see Deftones live and I was closer to the stage that I could even dream of. I didn't get to touch Chino or Stephen who was next closest but I'm still so thankful I got to watch them play. It was so sublime, like a fucking dream.
I mean, how many people get to watch their childhood heroes play right in front of their faces? If you told me I'd one day get to watch them play, I wouldn't have believed you.
They were so tight and sounded flawless in their lives and I have to say right here that the Deftones live album and all the videos on YT do them, especially Chino no justice at all. The man's voice is the sexiest and his performance is PERFECT. REALLY.

I got stuck in the moshpit for a bit T_T Which is an experience I never want to repeat in the next few months, but everything about it was perfect. A little meh that I didn't get to be with Chey during Change but singing along with a bunch of strangers wasn't that bad either.

My diet is completely failing by the way, I had a plate of Hokkien Mee at Newton after the show. But if Chino can make bigger-than-average sexy, maybe I can too. No, I'm just kidding, please don't quote me on that.

Monday

2011-02-07T17:01:00.004+08:00

How tragic is it that I'm so excited over the fact that my FACE SOAP has finally arrived in the mail? Go ahead and judge me, I don't really care because I'm so pleased over how cute it is. I mean look at it; they are egg-shaped and in a carton ♥
I don't know if they live up to the hype because I've only used it once but I'm already halfway sold. My face/skin/hair has been really crap lately that I'd use anything at this point really. Cruel lesson learnt: hair isn't meant to be bleached and dyed over every month. Anyways, back to the soap. I'd been waiting for ages because of the the lack of postal service over chinese new year and I was beginning to think it had gotten lost in the mail(the seller forgot I paid for registered mail, but kindly offered to replace my package should it never make it) but there it lay on my desk when I came home. Hm, Holika Holika is endorsed by CN Blue if that makes a difference to any of you.

Alright, crawling back into my mountain of work now. Also, how much money do you think there is to be made in producing audio casebooks? I figure it can't just be me who would pay to have someone narrate the facts and holdings of cases. It's not that I don't like reading, it's just that sometimes, it gets to a point where your back hurts too much from being hunched over stacks of paper or a laptop and you just want to lie down and have someone with Yoochun's voice tell you what Lord Diplock said. Yes, that is my law student fantasy, judge me, I don't care. Yoochun's voice could make me pay attention to anything.

2011-02-06T02:27:00.005+08:00

Upgrade/Downgrade

2011-01-29T12:50:00.005+08:00

Met one of my favourite girls so we could go do our hair, or more exactly, Andrea changed her mind about dyeing it darker so soon(good call) and decided to get a trim so I wouldn't have to go down alone.
Mmm, this is going to be short because I have to head off for school soon(on a Saturday, the horror) so umm...this is my new hair? I don't know why it turned out black because I chose a light to medium brown colour, but hey, I don't mind it either ways.

Maybe the assistant heard Andy call out the wrong colour code, what with him being sick and all, but oh well, I'm positive this colour is going to fade so fast into a brown it won't make a difference. And no, I did not do this on purpose so I could match Jaejoongie's hair colour again now that he's gone from that light colour to black.
And while we're on the subject of Jaejoong, Andy's hairstylist friend came by to help him with his customers(I swear Andy is always so freaking busy! Even at 9pm at night, he had 8 people in his shop and had to turn away a few more) and was strangely chatty. It was kind of amusing and he made several DBSK jokes which I personally thought were funny(but then again, the 'Do you know U-know Yunho?" thing was endlessly amusing to me) such as "Does your hero have to look like Hero?" NOT BAD FOR A NON-FAN RIGHT?

Sigh, and they both tried to trick me into believing Andy's friend was Japanese and he kept yelling random japanese while blow drying my hair. And then they tricked me into saying 'Saranghaeyo' sigh. I have to clarify the incident here because half of it was in chinese and Andrea only caught half of it, but I KNEW it was a trick, but he and Andy were sooo persistent that I just gave up and said it. Andy and his friend were so triumphant after okay, Andy was all like "HAHHHH! YOU LIKEEE HIMM AHH GIRL?" And I was just like *facepalm* while Andrea gave me sympathetic looks.
But according to twitter, she says that it was funnier than when I waved to the goldfish in the salon so she must have enjoyed herself. AISH.

Anyways, off to cram some readings before heading off to school and shocking everyone with my black hair at Roomful tonight. Or maybe they won't be shocked and it was just Andrea, my Daddy and I. I swear my hair has never been THIS black in my life. Think of me kindly while I'm trapped in school later, send me love and hotdogs and gongcha(WEI XUANNN IM STILL DYING OF THESE CRAVINGS URGH)

#1

2011-01-27T15:59:00.003+08:00

That moment when you try to use Photobooth in the back row during a lecture and the sound goes off because you forgot to mute it. Awkward.
Worst part was that Sheryl was holding up the old print of the Criminal Procedure Code cause we wanted to take pictures with it, not particularly inconspicuous.

someone told me this would be worth it

2011-01-24T21:09:00.002+08:00

Just got home from a trip to town with Bel and Mira. I think it's the first time I've been out for fun on a weekday in weeks. Sometimes I really wonder if it was a mistake picking law. It honestly requires more work than I would willingly put in. But I guess they say it is a privilege and I really should be making the most of it. I guess I really miss studying things I actually enjoy. Mmm so full of meatballs and gongcha tea. I only had 2 hours sleep last night because I was up trying to complete the entire reading list for the first time in my law school career. I missed out a few cases and guess which ones Prof happened to ask me about?

Really, I must seem extremely daft to my classmates because the only words I've spoken audibly in the past weeks have been "I'm not sure Prof" which I alternate with panicked stuttering while trying to gather my thoughts on whichever case. I feel sorry to the people who ever thought me smart haha. I suppose it's never to late to start trying, so maybe this is my week.

2011-01-22T00:21:00.003+08:00

Everytime I watch Yunho and Changmin perform live, I feel so inexplicably proud of them. But at the same time, I feel so sad, I can't even begin to explain. They've grown so much, really. It's like they've pushed themselves to fill the gap and to show the world that DBSK will always be the most talented idol group. And they've really outdone themselves. Every single performance is completely flawless, and it's not just my bias talking. Go ahead and watch every single MR removed out there and it'll prove how amazing the two of them are.
But at the same time, watching them I feel really sad, it's like there's this huge burden on them or maybe I'm just imagining it. Maybe I'm just over thinking whats going on in their heads. I don't know, it's just so hard. I miss the 5 of them together so much. I'm just so tired of crying over this, and having all my other friends cry about this and not seeing Yunho and Jaejoong smile like they mean it. It would be a lot easier for everyone I think, if those two seemed alright and not like they are on the verge of having a breakdown. I just really miss them all.

fabulous muscles

2011-01-20T22:07:00.003+08:00

I think it's been almost 5 years since I first heard this song. It still gives me the chills. It's so breath-takingly raw and is so achingly poetic. I think it's very hard to explain why this song is so great(or ANY of Xiu Xiu's work to be honest) because I know what it is everybody hears. I'll admit that this isn't the easiest song to listen to(and I'm not talking about it the words 'deformed penis' appearing several times). I certainly wasn't a fan when I first heard it, so I don't know what it was doing lying in one of my playlists, but I just know that once it hits you, it really hits you.

I envy everything about this girl

2011-01-20T02:53:00.002+08:00

█ ██ █ ██

2011-01-19T00:25:00.004+08:00

It's funny how ever since I started uni, everything seems so far away. I rarely see the people I would normally hang out with during the school term. Weekends don't exist. Apart from the first 3(4 if you're lucky) weeks, the rest of my time is spent in school, overnight, over-exhausted and somehow, still behind in your workload. I don't know, maybe it's because half of my close friends aren't even in the country and the only time I see their faces anymore is on Skype or the front of the Profile Page on facebook as we chat.

Gosh this is bleak. it's funny how I talk to so many people on twitter everyday but everyone still says that I disappear when school starts. The strange thing is that it really does feel like I'm not there. Like I'm disconnected from everyone else. I don't know. I mean, I certainly do talk to you(whoever I mean) but it doesn't really feel like I do because I can't hear your voice and you mine.

I guess I do miss the constancy of MI. It was kind of nice you know? I liked that I had a class, classmates. Hanging out in school was comfortable, especially the last few months where we basically monopolized the second table from the outside, at the at area of the staffroom.(Oh no, I suddenly miss Maybellina ;_; Can anyone reading this go and tell her for me? NTU kids? Pretty please with cherries on T.O.P?[Urgh, did I just make a Kpop joke?]). It was nice having the same people to go home with and walking around and actually recognizing people and having people know who you are. I'm so envious of everyone who gets to go to the same course as people from school. It must be nice, I figure.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate uni life. School work is a bitch, sure. But I've met some lovely people. Mmm, I guess I do think back on those days and I don't know if it's because it's so coated with nostalgia, but it seems almost perfect now. 12.5 more weeks till this is over. Wish me luck.

goddess

2011-01-18T13:43:00.001+08:00

별 별 별 별 별

2011-01-17T19:03:00.004+08:00

No matter what happens tomorrow, I will never love anything or anyone as much as I love the five of you.

TABI

2011-01-17T02:55:00.003+08:00

It's 3:10 and the blood-coffee ratio in my veins is more than a little unhealthy. I'd probably get through my readings a lot quicker if I didn't stop to make GIFs and practise my pimp brow. I think from today onwards, I'm going to try this thing where I actually get my readings down when I'm supposed to instead of going on tumblr or skyping.

Commence focus in 3 minutes.
But before I leave, I really just want to put it out there that if I ever ask you if I should cut off 8 inches of my hair again, please please please say N.O. I really miss having long hair. It's just not the same //weeping
Hello from Past!Me

Dear Frank

2011-01-16T22:00:00.001+08:00

Catharsis

2011-01-16T21:05:00.000+08:00

I guess the only thing true I can bear to tell you is that I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like my life is one whole mess but truthfully I don't even know what of. It's funny how somethings work out the complete opposite of what you'd expect, of who you expecteded yourself to be. But no one ever promised it would go that way; so the best we can do is cling on to whatever faith that everything will be alright.

I really don't know why I sometimes feel so miserable that all I can do is...for hours on end, but here's to hoping I'm not the only one. Maybe all I need is something shiny and new, to stop clinging onto the things I once expected and just go with whtat I have.

Maybe in my youth, I picked up the damned habit of over-romanticizing everything. And dreamers, whoever you are, will never be happy. I don't know what I'm trying to bring across here, but maybe I'm just trying to let go of everything I've never told anyone, but there is really no joy in letting things past haunt you forever. Isn't it funny how everything I just typed is absolute nonsense to anyone but myself but I thing I've just figured everything out. I wish I could tell you(all of you) everything that I've been struggling with for the past years, and maybe all the years you've ever known me, but I can't bring myself to. So really, fuck good old catharsis, let's just let everything go.

Happy New year everyone. This year, let's let someone new love us, read more books and not beat ourselves over every little mistake.
And to whom ever this may concern, school is JUST school. It's okay if you haven't finished all your readings. It's really okay if you don't have the GPA you so greatly desire. An education is made up of more parts than just school. Don't kill yourself over it. Go out and pet a kitten(and if you're allergic to them, wash your hands before touching your face.)
Have a good week and think of me sometime